Sleep Walking

Maybe the aforementioned remark doesn't really interpret my emotions these days.  Or maybe it's just that I can finally smile again, but with less strain.  I always wondered when it would finally happen for me, to me and for Gino.  

And it has and I can float here in heaven with her now.

Somewhere between heaven and hell

I find myself thinking about those times when I would walk into the bathroom and see that  my mother didn't have the courtesy to cover u her monthly friend, then living with other girls or roommates the same thing seems to happen.

I HATE BODILY FUNCTIONS

i just do.

today

Today was a day I to realize something and it hurts to even contemplate it!  But I have to really make some real decisions and some more progress...I need a real vacation and  real time to think things out.

It's not that I can't recoup from this I will and always do.  I guess Im fucking tired of always having to keep fighting for something good in my life.  

It's just so hard it really is...

But fuck it gotta keep on keeping on!  LOL that saying is so fucking stupid!

Part 1 introduction into K Cox

I sometimes feel like Im coming out of a coma when I think about the people who have come in and out of my life.  The sudden moments of happiness or the strange feelings of enjoyment.  I also think to the times when I would run through fields and play GI JOE in or trailer park.  Or trailer park was right behind the NICE neighborhood and i can remember the NICE neighborhood kids's parents would have FAMILY DAY for all of them.  So Toby and I would go and we got thrown out.  We were told that the TRAILER PARK KIDS were not allowed there.  I think that was the first time I felt segregation, racism, classification and it stung me hard. i have honsetly never forgotten that at all.  I remember the old dried p prune drinking bitch who looked me in my eyes and called me trailer park trash.  I remember walking home with Toby and he was pissed and of course so was I.  All my friend were watching and the worst of it all.  They didn't even look at us that way BUT after that they even had a different look when we came by.  So I went and told mother.  After she took another toke from the bong she was like FUCK THEM PEOPLE LET'S GO DOWN THERE AND STRAIGHTEN THEM OUT.  I was like FUCK YEAH!  mom actually put the bong down to do something nice for us.  When she got there she was so stoned she got to paranoid with the cop cars and turned us around and made us go home.  And then I got my first look at paranoia and weakness and also no BACKBONE.  This isn't to say that she shouldn't have turned us around she probably would have gotten arrested.  But us it my fault she was a drug addict?

So as to the point of this story is that I always told myself I will never be that type pf person..My mother, My evil NIAVE NEIGHBORHOOD kids and most of all WEAK.

So Im not starting anytime soon.  

You see what Im saying FOOL!

Can I find it?

I never really looked for it!  Nor did I ever really try to actually take the time to find it.  but I know it's there.  I want it Ooh so badly and I can fucking taste it on my tongue.

Yeah!

I know I know I know~  More blogs

Watch it crumble!!!

I know now what needs to be done.  I know now what needs to change.  I know now I have been here before.

I stand like a whole new entity in a world that rather see us all fail.

My sons laughter makes me strong.  My son's words make me move forward.  my heart is not as weak as it once was and I think the wall was just a waste of time.  I sheer vessel of weakness that I never wanted to build,  but did to only block out the ones who loved me.  

I will walk forward,  i will stand true to all,  

I am a new entity...

Blessings

No matter how hard things get and sometimes I sound ultra-angry and depressed.  Please know everyday,  every moment with Gino I know I am blessed.

So don't get the wrong Idea friends.  We all need to vent frustrations and I have so many things in my head I still have not written that will come out on here.

If these arms are snakes then these words are razorblades

Have you eve sat back and just thought?

Maybe I'll just fall over and die right now?

No!  yeah me either

But I have sat and said..PLEASE FALL OVER AND DIE RIGHT NOW.

But that was years ago and now all I want is time with Gino and to make music and write.  Funny how everything just turns 360 with children.

I'm really seeing San Fran in or future,  I love it there and it really makes me happy.  Expensive yes!

But that's what it always seems to be in my life.  A CATCH...

Always a fucking catch kinda like YOU yeah you know who you are.  That girl with the perfect smile and the loving eyes and a great big knife behind your back.  yeah I know you.

Or that great friend who is always there until they get what they want and go use someone else.

But it's all good.  Nice guys finish at least.

lack for a better word

FUCK YOU!